the TABnet home page of doom

creating what i haven’t lived

I have not lived much of my life; for the most part, I have simply been carried along by circumstances. This has not been a good thing. What good has happened has been more by luck, or the compassion of others, than my own agency. I have been far more fortunate than skilled.

And that luck did not hold up. Not with anxiety and depression ever lurking to take me down.

This website represents, or re-presents, my attempt here in 2020 to live my life with intention. One year ago, I began a mindfulness meditation practice, and it has done me a world of good. Today, I have a new understanding about how I want to live my life, of how I intend to create my life. This is an experiment in self-creation through the things I love to do and the things that are meaningful to me. 

carpe bucko

happy enough for 2020

2020-11-04 0
The Dodgers won the World Series and my friend won his election to local office. So why am I not giddy with delight?

I wonder if this shitshow we call 2020 could have anything to do with that?
carpe bucko

scratching the itch

2020-10-20 0
Mindfulness is about learning to focus attention purposefully, not like a dog dragged around by a leash. Learning to be with a small irritation like an itch is an unpleasant but useful way to learn how to also be with anxiety, fear, and such. The funny thing is: it works!
carpe bucko

stop and see the change

2020-10-14 0
Mental healthiness isn’t a quick project. It can happen so slowly, you don’t even know you’re doing it.
carpe bucko

entropy can wait

2020-10-12 0
Entropy: the law of the universe that says energy is constantly loss and everything falls apart. Pretty much summarizes depression, too – but it doesn’t have to be. We can put off entropy, not forever but long enough for a good life.
carpe bucko


2020-09-29 0
Mindfulness meditation involves a lot of being unmindfully distracted. It’s a normal thing. The key isn’t to stop being distracted but to acknowledge when it happens and return attention where you intend it to be. Gently, kindly.

When do we panic?

2020-09-08 0
Panic feels like it’s the right way to feel at times, especially in this god-awful year of 2020. Panic, however, is never the right choice, unless failure and doom are your goals. Not submitting to panic means finding another way to cope.

Oregon Vote-by-mail: why it works

2020-08-12 0
Oregon pioneered Vote-by-Mail. After a few cycles, it worked so well that we made it the only way for Oregonians to vote. (Well, you can visit your county elections division and cast a ballot; I did that once when I’d move and my ballot didn’t catch up with

ideology, compassion, self

2020-07-17 0
Telling people like trump and Fox News to go to hell is defensible; their actions are inhumane and purposefully so. But their supporters and viewers? Tens of millions of Americans who have nothing to gain and so much to lose – they can go to hell? This is a difficult question.

normal は、さよなら

2020-07-15 0
We’ve lived with a toxic “normal” for centuries. It hasn’t done us a lot of good. Now we face multiple threats to our existence. Thanks, normal.
carpe bucko

the moon

2020-06-30 0
John Green, on discovering the moon: I suppose I’d known moonlight existed, but somehow I had made it to adulthood without ever having a personal experience of it. And there was the world, lit by something that cannot shine light but still finds a way to share light. I

compassion: as simple as life itself

2020-06-24 0
What we are seeing in the current Black Lives Matter movement is a shift towards compassion, individually and collectively.

Failures of liberalism: humans

2020-06-17 1
Liberalism, as a political philosophy, is one of the best of human inventions. The problem has always been that it has had to be implemented by humans, and that means its imperfections will eventually surface and, unless sufficient steps are taken to address the resultant problems, the programs – and the
carpe bucko

despite that….

2020-06-16 0
Life is hard, then you die. So what? Man up & deal with it. If only it were that easy.
carpe bucko

willingness and perseverance

2020-05-25 0
Running away and hiding is, of course, the exact opposite of willingness and perseverance.
carpe bucko

value adding

2020-05-18 0
It’s not that I don’t have any values; I am simply unable to define them. Which means, for all practical purposes, I don’t have any functional values. This is a problem. Because I have been able to get consistent long-term mental health care through the VA, meeting