the TABnet home page of doom

creating what i haven’t lived

I have not lived much of my life; for the most part, I have simply been carried along by circumstances. This has not been a good thing. What good has happened has been more by luck, or the compassion of others, than my own agency. I have been far more fortunate than skilled.

And that luck did not hold up. Not with anxiety and depression ever lurking to take me down.

This website represents, or re-presents, my attempt here in 2020 to live my life with intention. One year ago, I began a mindfulness meditation practice, and it has done me a world of good. Today, I have a new understanding about how I want to live my life, of how I intend to create my life. This is an experiment in self-creation through the things I love to do and the things that are meaningful to me. 

carpe bucko

there is nothing to forgive

2021-09-28 0
“Forgive us our sins” is not something that one human should apply to another, but it’s a mental concept I’ve carried in my head for too long. Forgiving those who’ve hurt me is the wrong thing to do.
carpe bucko

eight words

2021-09-17 0
10 words spoken thirty years ago changed one man’s life. His words on YouTube changed mine. Nothing magic in the words; they were just the right ones at the right time.
carpe bucko

just sing, sing a song

2021-08-31 0
The brain kicks off habitual, emotional responses to negative incidents before the conscious brain can begin to figure out what’s going on. But even then, it’s not too late to avoid a bad ending. You just need to be prepared; here’s my strategy.
carpe bucko

needs aren’t values

2021-08-30 0
Without an explicit understanding of what I valued in life – what I could do that meant something meaningful – I have lived my based on needs, desires, fear, anxiety, etc. Thanks to finally getting mental health counseling, this is changing.
carpe bucko

this feeling

2021-08-04 0
I lived my life without knowing my own values, so it was easy to be judgmental as well as clueless. Mindfulness is helping me figure out how to be happy, not judgmental.
carpe bucko

why your brain doesn’t work right

2021-07-27 0
Ten thousand years might seem like a long time, but it really isn’t. The Earth is over 4.5 billion years old. Humans have had almost no time to adjust to the radical change made in how our species lives. No wonder your brain doesn’t work right.
carpe bucko


2021-05-04 0
I have a number of goals for my mental health and mindfulness work. Right now, I’m working on equanimity: being aware of when my buttons are getting pushed and not responding habitually but based on my values
carpe bucko

the paradox of striving

2021-04-26 0
Mental health takes work. Mindfulness takes letting go of the desire to accomplish something. This is a troublesome mix of ideas, and it’ something people with a mindfulness practice struggle with. But an understanding of the paradox helps open a door to a life lived freely.
carpe bucko

anxiety today

2021-04-23 0
The critical thing I’ve learned about my mental health in the past year or two is that my main problem isn’t depression; that’s just an added bonus. No, my real issue is anxiety, just like about one-quarter of the world (or probably more, here in the world

The American Experiment Cannot Fail

2021-01-15 0
American constitutional democracy is often called an “experiment”. Here’s the thing about experiments, though: They cannot fail.
carpe bucko

with ease

2021-01-01 0
Having a clear vision of the future and my path forward is not only not going to happen, it’s not really possible. What is possible is to accept that uncertainty, to accept the jumbled messes in my head, and to live with ease – not because my life is going
carpe bucko

complete & whole

2020-12-07 0
Many mindfulness practices include the admonition to recognize yourself as “complete and whole”. For people with any number of mental or physical challenges, that does not make a lot of sense. I’m starting to get a bit of a grasp on the concept.
carpe bucko


2020-11-30 0
Depression and anxiety put obstacles in front of life. With good mental health care and a solid mindfulness practice, these obstacles can be replaced with an understanding of how values lead to committed action.
carpe bucko

unfinished business

2020-11-14 0
Mindfulness practice begins with a focus on the breath. Good luck staying there long. But that’s not doing it wrong; it’s just practice. And sometimes “doing it wrong” leads to a valuable outcome.
carpe bucko

quiet satisfaction

2020-11-09 0
2020 has been a great year for me that has also taken a toll. Not to mention knowing how awful it’s been for so many people. How happy can I be with the things that went well for me? But is it ok not to be happy with things that