the TABnet home page of doom

creating what i haven’t lived

I have not lived much of my life; for the most part, I have simply been carried along by circumstances. This has not been a good thing. What good has happened has been more by luck, or the compassion of others, than my own agency. I have been far more fortunate than skilled.

And that luck did not hold up. Not with anxiety and depression ever lurking to take me down.

This website represents, or re-presents, my attempt here in 2020 to live my life with intention. One year ago, I began a mindfulness meditation practice, and it has done me a world of good. Today, I have a new understanding about how I want to live my life, of how I intend to create my life. This is an experiment in self-creation through the things I love to do and the things that are meaningful to me. 

carpe bucko

equanimity

2021-05-04 0
I have a number of goals for my mental health and mindfulness work. Right now, I’m working on equanimity: being aware of when my buttons are getting pushed and not responding habitually but based on my values
carpe bucko

the paradox of striving

2021-04-26 0
Mental health takes work. Mindfulness takes letting go of the desire to accomplish something. This is a troublesome mix of ideas, and it’ something people with a mindfulness practice struggle with. But an understanding of the paradox helps open a door to a life lived freely.
carpe bucko

anxiety today

2021-04-23 0
The critical thing I’ve learned about my mental health in the past year or two is that my main problem isn’t depression; that’s just an added bonus. No, my real issue is anxiety, just like about one-quarter of the world (or probably more, here in the world
politics

The American Experiment Cannot Fail

2021-01-15 0
American constitutional democracy is often called an “experiment”. Here’s the thing about experiments, though: They cannot fail.
carpe bucko

with ease

2021-01-01 0
Having a clear vision of the future and my path forward is not only not going to happen, it’s not really possible. What is possible is to accept that uncertainty, to accept the jumbled messes in my head, and to live with ease – not because my life is going
carpe bucko

complete & whole

2020-12-07 0
Many mindfulness practices include the admonition to recognize yourself as “complete and whole”. For people with any number of mental or physical challenges, that does not make a lot of sense. I’m starting to get a bit of a grasp on the concept.
carpe bucko

intention

2020-11-30 0
Depression and anxiety put obstacles in front of life. With good mental health care and a solid mindfulness practice, these obstacles can be replaced with an understanding of how values lead to committed action.
carpe bucko

unfinished business

2020-11-14 0
Mindfulness practice begins with a focus on the breath. Good luck staying there long. But that’s not doing it wrong; it’s just practice. And sometimes “doing it wrong” leads to a valuable outcome.
carpe bucko

quiet satisfaction

2020-11-09 0
2020 has been a great year for me that has also taken a toll. Not to mention knowing how awful it’s been for so many people. How happy can I be with the things that went well for me? But is it ok not to be happy with things that
carpe bucko

perfection

2020-11-05 0
Living life perfectly is not about doing things perfectly. It’s about sticking to your intentions to do something, however half-assed the attempt may be. Perfection is an intention, the willingness to live the life you want to live.
carpe bucko

happy enough for 2020

2020-11-04 0
The Dodgers won the World Series and my friend won his election to local office. So why am I not giddy with delight?

I wonder if this shitshow we call 2020 could have anything to do with that?
carpe bucko

scratching the itch

2020-10-20 0
Mindfulness is about learning to focus attention purposefully, not like a dog dragged around by a leash. Learning to be with a small irritation like an itch is an unpleasant but useful way to learn how to also be with anxiety, fear, and such. The funny thing is: it works!
carpe bucko

stop and see the change

2020-10-14 0
Mental healthiness isn’t a quick project. It can happen so slowly, you don’t even know you’re doing it.
carpe bucko

entropy can wait

2020-10-12 0
Entropy: the law of the universe that says energy is constantly loss and everything falls apart. Pretty much summarizes depression, too – but it doesn’t have to be. We can put off entropy, not forever but long enough for a good life.
carpe bucko

distraction

2020-09-29 0
Mindfulness meditation involves a lot of being unmindfully distracted. It’s a normal thing. The key isn’t to stop being distracted but to acknowledge when it happens and return attention where you intend it to be. Gently, kindly.